Where has my mind gone and will it ever come back?

This pregnancy is messing with my head. I used to have a sharp memory, I never had to write lists for myself and there was always reasoned method to any perceived madness.

However, my brain has been replaced with mush; I started to forget everything very quickly into my pregnancy.

I started making lists for myself, everything I could think of that needed doing was written down neatly in bullet form, which would have been fine…if I actually remembered to look at the lists!  My mush pile is also making me do very stoopid things. Highlights have included:-

• Searching through my bag for my phone with my right hand when said phone was in my left hand…
• Standing in front of my fridge for 5 minutes trying to decide how I could fit the toaster in there. Still not sure why I wanted to put it in there…
• Being on a train, half way to London, when I realised I should be at hospital having a blood test
• Being on a train, after having a blood test, but then needing to discreetly put my gloves on my feet to try and warm my toes up after leaving in the house in pumps, in 0^oC weather. 

As much as my work colleagues claim to miss me, I actually believe they are very glad to have my temporary replacement in instead.  At last, someone that can function as a human being…!

The birthing playlist

So I’m sitting here trying to think of the things that I haven’t done to prepare for the birth.  I know I’m not going to be one of those women for whom the birth is a quick experience (unlike my future mother in law who had Terry’s brother within an hour of being induced!).  My thoughts have turned to a music playlist.  Here’s where I’m hoping my iPod holds out long enough, it’s been showing signs of dying for the past couple of weeks, the battery seems to drain after an hour or so….

I’ve been trying to decide what sort of playlist I should have.  Relaxing?  Uplifting and feel good? Funny and inappropriate? Headbanging? Indecisive as ever, I’ve gone for a combination of the lot:

• Athlete – Tourist
• Beastie Boys – Fight For Your Right
• Black Eyed Peas – I Gotta Feeling
• Blur – Tender A surprisingly appropriate song, mostly
• Boo Radleys – Wake Up Boo!
• Bruno Mars – Treasure
• Cary Brothers – Blue Eyes
• Chris Brown – Forever Don’t judge me too much, I like the song
• Colin Hay – Beautiful World
• Colin Hay – Waiting For My Real Life To Begin
• Corinne Bailey-Rae – Like a Star
• Earth, Wind & Fire – September If some people get their wish and little man decides to be a few days late
• Feeder – Just A Day Just a day? Here’s hoping…
• Guns & Roses – Sweet Child O’Mine
• Labrinth – Beneath Your Beautiful
• LMFAO – Sexy And I Know It  Cos I feel so damn sexy now, I’m bound to feel the same way during labour, right?
• Luther Vandross & Janet Jackson – The Best Things In Life Are Free
• Maroon 5 – Moves Like Jagger
• Muse – Knights of Cydonia
• Noisettes – Don’t Upset The Rhythm (Go Baby Go)
• Orson – No Tomorrow One of our favourite songs, it’s very rare for Terry and I to like the same music
• Pato Banton – Baby Come Back
• R Kelly – Happy People
• Radical Face – Welcome Home
• Red Hot Chili Peppers – Universally Speaking
• Salt N Pepa – Push It Predictable maybe, but meh!
• Sir Mix-A-Lot – Baby Got Back
• The Foundations – Build Me Up Butterup
• The Fratellis – Baby Fratelli Another rare mutual like for Terry and I
• Young MC – Bust a Move

 

Songs that are not welcome on my playlist:

• Justin Bieber – Baby 
• Erm…that’s it for now.

This 'thing' I call a body

A little history…

OK, I have spent the best part of my life as a little chubby…to overweight…to very overweight…to morbidly obese. There are no excuses here, and it’s nobody else's fault but my own. 

In June 2012, with my weight at an all-time high of 17st 10lbs, I went to my doctor with upper abdominal pain.  I had lost my appetite, mainly due to the fact that every time I ate, my abdominal pain would disappear for about an hour but then come back with a vengeance.   I was also having chronic acid reflux with anything that I did actually eat or drink. 

After a few questions and examination, I was given a blood test and a referral for an ultrasound, with the news that my abdomen was inflamed.  A couple of weeks later, I went back to the doctor for my results. I had expected to be told that I gallstones.  What I was told was that my liver was fatty and very enlarged, my liver function results weren’t good and my cholesterol was high.  Despite not being much of a drinker over the past couple of years (wasn’t really a choice, but more than one bottle of lager would cause me to have extreme acid reflux), I was close to developing cirrhosis of the liver.

I put myself on a low fat, low cal diet and started to lose weight.  The physical look improvement was instantly noticeable; my abdomen was no longer as inflamed. About a month later, despite a weight loss of 15lbs, my abdomen became very painful and I was sent for another liver function test.  Somehow my ALT level had gotten doubly worse and my cholesterol had increased.  

I was taken off of the painkillers I had been prescribed, also taken off of the pill and referred to a Gastroenterologist. Given NHS referral waiting times, there was quite a delay between referral and appointment, so I continued my low fat, low cal diet and by the time I had been given a date for an endoscopy I had lost over 4 stone and my LF tests were returning to normal.  

Whilst being prepped for my endoscopy, I was asked by the nurse if there was any chance I could be pregnant.  I shrugged and said “I suppose there is a chance”.  My period was actually due the date of the procedure.  I was usually early but put its non-arrival down to my anxiety over being sedated for the procedure.  As a result of the endoscopy, I discovered that I have a Hiatus Hernia in addition to the liver problem.  

With everything that was going on, I completely forgot about my period.  About a month later and 5-stone off, I discovered I was pregnant…

The weight issue...

So prior to pregnancy, my body was already a mess. Despite my weight loss, superficially the damage has been done and can’t be repaired…I accept that.  I was however starting to gain a bit of confidence, enjoying being able to shop in regular shops instead of the plus size ones. 

Because of my liver and hernia, I have had to watch my diet and weight gain during the pregnancy.  At my midwife appointment two weeks ago I was told I had gained about 16-18lbs, which, for my pre-pregnancy weight, is about where I needed to be.  I was very pleased with that.  

I know this isn’t something I should be thinking about so close to this life-changing event occurring, but I am very concerned about whether the superficial ‘damage’ is now so much worse.  

I was, for the first time in my life, starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin.  I was no longer feeling like I was always the ugliest, fattest, dowdiest girl in the room.  I want to restart my weight loss regime as soon as it’s practical and safe to do so, because despite 5-stone coming off prior to pregnancy, there was still a long way to go for me. 

I want to be healthy for my son, to have the energy needed to keep up with him, and I don’t want to be the fat mum that embarrasses her son in front of his friends; I want to be a yummy mummy.  I was never a yummy non-mummy.

I have a little while to worry about that I know, but this is how my mind works.  And it just goes to show, I was obviously not gaining as much confidence as I thought…

Medway mum logic: Crossing the road

Push your buggy out into the road whilst you stand between two parked cars trying to see if it is safe to cross... 

The wait...

Just for a little bit of background to this post…I hate waiting.  Not that I believe I’m massively impatient but waiting makes nervous and at times, panicky.  When I have to wait, the tumbleweeds in my head get replaced with thoughts of impending doom, boredom turns into panic and I rapidly turn into a crazy lady that starts to believe the world is going to be on the receiving end of a massive natural disaster because her bus is 5 minutes late.  

I have recently found that those close to me are really not being very helpful in allowing me to cope with my currently predicament…

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So at the time of writing this, I am 38 weeks.  At my last midwife appointment, I was told the baby was fully engaged and it was ‘just a matter of time’.  This statement made me have a minor panic attack and seemed to send all of my loved ones into a tizzy; suddenly almost everybody had an opinion on when the baby needs to be born. 

Baby is due on the 26^th August (UK late August bank holiday) but here’s an overview of people’s thoughts:

Terry wants the baby to be a few days late so he’s born into the next school year; the widespread theory being that children who are the youngest in their school year are at somewhat of a disadvantage over their classmates. So I would be giving little man a better shot at his education if I just ‘cross my legs and hold him in’

My mum is going to China for a couple of weeks after baby is due, so for her baby needs to be on time or early.  I received a text last night asking where her Grandson was.  I told her to check behind the sofa.

As far as my dad is concerned, the baby can be born up to a week and a half early, but not before as he’s in Devon on a golfing weekend.

My brother and sister-in-law are currently in New York; baby can only come a week early and not a day sooner.

Terry’s maternal Grandfather – over from the Isle of Wight for a visit, baby needs to be early as the due date is 2 days after he’s due to go back

Terry’s brother has told us that the baby isn’t allowed to be born the day after his due date, as he’s ‘not sharing his birthday with anybody’.  2 days late is fine.

I’m also dealing with well-meaning questions such as “is the house is ready?”, “do you have everything?”, “is your hospital bag packed?” but then rather short-sightedly get told that I should be “taking things easy”, “not tiring myself out”, “relaxing and enjoying the peace and quiet”. Well, shit, I haven’t suddenly developed magical abilities that enables me to sit on my arse, relax and do nothing but at the same time, do the housework, shopping, get prepared for the birth and little man’s homecoming. Nor do I have a couple of bitch-servants to do my bidding. So I guess that leaves me…

Me?  Given my boredom, anxiety and general level of discomfort – I say the sooner the better.  As I type this, I have chronic heartburn, my hips are killing me and the right side of my torso is sticking out two inches further that my left. 

Oh, I take that back.  Little man is now ‘shaking that ass’ and attempting to break my ribs.